Making the Holidays Happy

The holidays are upon us. A time when expectations fills the air and Christmas songs in stores tell us that this is “the most magical time of the year”. I have yet to hear any Hanukkah songs or songs from other traditions being played in stores.

Lights, the smell of pine, gleeful children, plans with family and loved ones.

What could possibly go wrong?

For many, of course, the holidays bring with them a set of expectations about how things are supposed to be. If you’re not happy during the holidays, if you’re single, if you’re going through a divorce, if you don’t have money to buy a lot of gifts, if you’re depressed, if you’re experiencing anything that doesn’t fit the model of “Happy Holidays”, you can feel as if you’re not doing anything right, as if you’re a failure, as if you’re unloved, or a myriad of other emotions.

But what if the expectation of the holidays are the actual problem, not YOU, in your complex humanness?

What if it’s OK to not be happy during this time, or to feel like you don’t want to buy more “things” for people, or if you want to do something other than a longstanding holiday tradition?

The classic Christmas story (I’m not sure how other traditions handle this dynamic) is of people traveling back to their family or origin, not necessarily because they want to, but because they feel obligated to. The myth of the happy, cozy family Christmas – even if that’s literally never happened in one’s family – is strong in this culture.

You would think, that for adults who have been involved in family dynamics for many years, they might choose to do something for this time that is truly pleasant, connecting, energizing, supportive, creative, or enlivening.

And for some, getting together with family does bring those things.

But for others, the family of origin can be challenging, and yet many still choose to go and experience the difficulties again, often, it seems, with the same expectations that get dashed every year. The hope that this time, perhaps, people will be different than they have been all those other times. They’ll accept you, support you, praise you, even though they haven’t up to this point.

The thing that causes pain, it seems to me, is the expectation that people will be different. That some need will be met this time, that hasn’t been met before now. And the solution, in my mind, is understanding what we want from the holiday celebration and a real examination of whether or not we can realistically expect that.

And what if we can’t?

We can build our own traditions that give us what we need and want from this time of year, whether it’s staying home alone and doing a ritual, making time to be with loved ones who may not be part of our family of origin, but still may be part of our heart family, choosing to create our own family traditions that only include people we find supportive and accepting, or making sure we understand that it isn’t our job to manage other peoples’ emotions.

Whatever your religious tradition around this time, it’s important to remember that you get to choose your experience. This is true even if mom would be upset if you chose to do something different this year, or if cousin Joe will gossip about you if you choose not to give “stuff” as gifts but instead make donations to charities, or if Aunt Nelda will post something passive-aggressive on your social media if you let your kid wear a t-shirt to the holiday meal. They don’t get to control your experience unless you let them.

I’m wishing everyone who reads this a happy, healthy, supportive, energizing, and hope-filled holiday season and new year.