So life keeps taking one shaky turn after the next, like being driven too fast by a Google car on a windy road skirting a cliff. I can't do anything except hold on and hope I don't go over.
This is not where I wanted to be at this age. Not at all.
It's so clear that the Universe is trying to teach me the art of no attachment and of letting go. Because I've had to let go of almost everything important to me in in recent years - job, community, relationship, and soon: the home I bought when I thought I had finally become an adult.
Now, the path ahead is completely up to me. And that's terrifying.
As this is a blog, supposedly, about finding joy in times like these, I'll say that I am drawn to what may be my first iconic dream: owning rural land. I used to dream about this as a teenager planning my future: a house near trees, with a kitchen lit up and filled with creative, supportive, laughing people, and me and my love. It was a simple vision, but it's stuck with me for decades.
Now, it might actually be a possibility, because a decision I made 12 years ago is going to help me now, to find this dream even though things may look a bit different from the vision.
I'm single, I'm not sure who my community is anymore, and my heart is patched together like Frankenstein.
As a starry-eyed teen, I didn't know life would be this rough. And I'm one of the lucky ones- white, privileged, with supportive family who have done well financially. And sometimes it's still all too much for me.
But: a home in the trees. Birdsong instead of traffic. Grass and oak rather than cement and garbage. Warm summer nights instead of grey summer mornings. Sunsets on the hills instead of against high-rise windows.
I pray that I have the wisdom, strength, stamina, and resilience to make it happen and not to get lost in the anxieties of the process.
How about you?
Do you have a dream or vision for your life that you could make happen now, even if it looks a little different?
What Is Joy?
Can life really be joyful, even when hard things happen? Maybe not on the surface, but below our pain and fear, below the judgment of ourselves and others, there's a kernel that's an inherent and unstoppable desire to live; to see what happens next. At JATHT, we'll explore life, love, joy, and sorrow and hopefully learn something in the process. Welcome!